His Smile

It has been a while since I’ve posted anything new here. The last two weeks or so have been challenging, surprising, and emotionally exhausting, and God has been teaching me some difficult lessons. I will try to sort out some of the thoughts I’ve been having over the past while.

About two weeks ago, I realized that something was stealing my joy. I was surviving, but I wasn’t taking much pleasure in my work here. Sometimes I struggle with what my mom calls a “Martha-complex”. I have this need of “doing” things, as though I need to work to get God’s approval or to prove to those around me that I’m sincere in my faith. Obviously, I know that my actions must match what I profess to believe, but I also know that there isn’t anything I can do to earn His grace…I know He has done it all for me. Every so often, I hear God telling me that I’m at it again, trying to earn His love and my salvation. It is so hard for me to admit that I am weak, to acknowledge that I can’t do any part of it on my own, to just lie in a pitiful heap in the middle of the road and let Him come down all the way and do all of the hard work Himself.

Anyway, I realized that this complex had reared its ugly head again this term. Not only that, but my Martha-complex had mutated into somewhat of a “super-hero complex”. I was trying to do more than everyone else around me, flying in and saving the day to the admiration of all, to prove to someone (I don’t even know who) that I was this great missionary without whom RVA couldn’t possibly survive. I was striving so hard to earn the blue ribbon, to be recognized as the winner when it comes to service. And it was making me so weary, and taking all the pleasure out of the things that I normally enjoy.

I am trying to change my perspective about the things I do for God. The Sophomore class just finished their Valentine’s Sales fundraiser, and buying fun things for the girls that I mentor made me think about how much I love doing things for someone when I know it will bring a smile to his or her face. I know that making cookies and writing encouragement notes are not actions that earn friendship and love, but they are actions that will bring pleasure to someone I care about. And when I know that what I’m doing will bring pleasure to that person, I feel joy while doing it. When I was little, I did “artwork” for my parents. It wasn’t very good, but I did it just to see the smile on their face and hear them say “very good, Heather” as they put it up on the fridge. I am trying to see the things I do here as little notes or gifts or pictures that God will smile at and put up on His fridge. He already loves me and nothing I can do can make Him love me more, and nothing I can do can make Him love me less. I’m trying to remember that the life He means for me to live is not a competition to see who can do the most or get burned out the fastest.

I took my schedule off this blog, because I realized that the main reason I put it up in the first place is so that people could be amazed by how hard I’m working out here. And so that they would know that I’m not just on a holiday in some tropical country living off their generous support. I put it on to get men’s (and women’s) applause. But men’s applause is not what it’s all about. It’s not even about God’s applause. It is about His smile.